The holidays are upon us! Maybe you are looking forward to time with family, sharing holiday traditions, breaking bread with others or even the gift giving part of Christmas. For others though, the holidays this year will only remind you of what isn't there or more importantly WHO isn't there. When we lose people in our lives, the holidays can change for us. Maybe we dread the empty seat at the dinner table. Or maybe we feel our gift list for others is just shorter now. Maybe we think back to past times with our loved ones and weep over those precious memories. The truth is, we never know when a holiday will be the last with someone we love. I know that falls into the super depressing category of thought and maybe you'd rather not think about it. I say that to remind you though, life is precious and short. We need to cherish our time with our loved ones. We need to stay up later then we want just to sit around the table and talk. We need to buy that extra gift for someone even when we probably don't have to. We need to make traditions with our children and fight to continue the ones from our own childhood.
So the challenge to those of us excited about the upcoming holidays is to cherish every second of it. Savor the time we have with friends and family. Take the pictures, record the videos, make the memories! Let's also be aware that many of our family and friends are hurting this year. Many people have had loss in their lives, whether its loved ones or a job or financial security. Take time to think about the ones in your life who are facing the holidays with mixed emotions. What ways can you reach out and show support?
If you are facing the holidays with a void this year, what can you do? To start, find a way to incorporate your loved one still. Maybe it's honoring their seat at the table with an object of theirs or a flower. Maybe it's finding a special ornament for the tree that represents them. Maybe it's re-watching old family videos or looking through family photo albums (or your phone) for pictures of past holidays. Maybe try sitting around the table and sharing memories of that loved one. Share the ones that make you laugh and the ones that make you cry. Allow yourself all the emotions! It's okay for it to feel like a rollercoaster at times. Most importantly, make the most of the ones you still have by celebrating with them.
Below are some practical tips for dealing with Grief during the holidays.
Set Boundaries- You DO NOT have to say yes to every invitation. Should you go to some events? Probably so, but not every event you are invited to. Know your limits and know when to say "no" to an invitation.
    2. Understand that grief is very fluid - Grief can often spike around the holidays. It may have been years since you lost someone and then all of the sudden you hear a Christmas song and are moved to tears. Thats OKAY! Memories are very much connected to our senses and a memory, as happy as it may be at the time, can bring a flood of emotions. Acknowledge those emotions, cry if you need to and accept it is normal.
    3. Focus on what you can do- Instead of feeling guilty for skipping parties or not wanting to put up your stockings this year, focus on what you can do. Make new memories with the friends and families you have still. Look for ways to honor those you have lost. Find ways
to give back to others.
   4. Plan ahead -Pick out the events and parties you want to attend and be reasonable. Don't
over schedule yourself. Leave empty days on the calendar. Leave time for yourself and the
        days your emotions are high.
    5. Honor your loved ones who are gone - Find a way to incorporate them into your holidays. A
        few tips were mentioned above but there are many more. You can be as creative as you
        want and personalize to that person! Did your loved one have a favorite singing Christmas
        toy? Put it out so everyone can see it and let it sing! Did your loved one have a ugly
        Christmas sweater? Put it on their chair at dinner or let someone younger in the family
        start to wear it. The point is you can find formal and informal ways to make that person still
        a part of your celebrations.
    6. Do something for others- We often get focused on our own pain which is part of the grief
          process but doing a kind deed or an act of service for someone else may help boost your
          mood. Maybe you have more time this year. Look for opportunities to help others and I
          think you will see a shift in your mood!
    7. Know when to ask for help -This is a big one for any time we are going through something
         difficult. We all have our limit. Acknowledge when it seems to be getting too heavy to carry
        alone. Perhaps you have a friend or family member you can share your burden with.
         Perhaps you want to consider counseling for this need. Whatever works best for you, find
         that person. Don't suffer in silence!
My heart aches for all the ones going through grief this time of year. My prayer for everyone is that we can still rejoice this year despite our voids. We can still be thankful. We can still celebrate the miracle of Christmas. We can still miss our loved ones. Yet we still carry on. That's how we honor them most.
This blog post was originally written by Tiffany Lewis in 2020 and updated for 2024.
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